Horizon Infinity…an unconditional practice
May 12, 2016
How do you paint an emotion you can’t really explain? The feeling of breaking free, to be vulnerable and open, a burst of light from that dark place, to remember that life has got your back…a state of knowing that you know nothing but you know everything at the same time. Beyond the madness, there’s still that place you can go to where the Universe lives…deep inside. It’s chaotic but peaceful, sensual and free flowing…the message to let it out and feel it! It’s a constant balance between trust and surrender, and letting go. The first layer is the easy step of an abstract painting…then the work begins, this dance of allowing the magic to flow through. Sometimes it comes right out. Sometimes it’s a frustrating battle such as a writer staring at a blank page and ripping up each draft. How do you let go and let it be? For me, it was to stop rejecting myself and start honoring the gift. We all have one. And that’s the journey. A daily practice…
“Horizon Infinity” was one of those paintings that did not come out easily. The image in my head wasn’t transpiring, and each layer just confused me even more. I loved it, then I hated it, woke up in the middle of the night and poured paint all over it, said screw it and turned it into a face, then roots, then little circle waves, then painted over it again. I couldn’t look at the painting for a few months. I knew what I wanted to express, but was stuck on how to get there. I tried different colors, turned the canvas around for different perspectives…and still wasn’t feeling it. Then a few days later, I got this vision of white, that I needed to smear white paint all over the canvas. It wasn’t what I imagined for the painting, but trusted it and went for it. Abstract painting takes some guts too. A friend was watching me from the couch as I prepared the white paint, and he asked, “What are you doing now?” And as I smeared the first layer of white, he yelled, “What?! No, the colors!!” and had to leave the room. “I can’t watch this,” and he left the house. I, on the other hand, smiled and concurred to myself, “much better.” And the painting was complete.
The painting before the white was called, “Unconditional.” I wanted to show that no matter the circumstance, there is still space for peace…and that starts within ourselves. After the white layer I called it “Horizon Infinity” and wrote the passage below to tell its story. The message? Let go of time and let the journey itself guide you instead.
“What I see is not the very start of how I feel. The deep blue body that stops at the line straight across, is just the start to what is out there. I don’t know what goes beyond, or I have yet to believe what’s real. I surrender to the very bottom, through the sand, the crust, the thermal core of existence. The love goes farther than this, and I dream to fly and catch the line, to break it up and expand it more to show you the truth, which in truth is infinite. How do I express this madness and keep my sanity? For love has already taken me past that point of what normal looks like on paper. It’s taken me to the deepest part of deep, to jump, to be swallowed by her salt, to be splashed awake. Would you catch me? Or would you let me fall? She speaks softly, waves crashing, its breeze calming. I am not supposed to know, she says. Instead, dump it all in her vastness for she can take it. She’ll transform you. I can breathe. I can feel. Save me. Heal me. Soar through the stars above and back into that heart over and over again. For if it can create waves this massively, I must succumb to it, explore the depth to the very, very, deepest bottom. Forward to the horizon that never ends. Onward to infinity. Let go. The ocean will take care of the rest. I’m ready. She knows.”